The Tale of Gary Stunning: A Typically Obnoxious SAO Self Insert Story
by HarrowedBow1
Summary: Gary Stunning, both the Mr. Universe and Stephen Hawking of the VRMMORPG community, is just an average teenager. He is normal as it gets: he plays RPGs, drives his Jaguar E-Type V12, wins kendo competitions while blindfolded, protects his bombshell babe of a sister, and is criminally handsome. But what will he do when he's dragged into the mysterious Death Game of Sword Art Online?
1. Chapter 1: A Stu-nning Day In Paradise

**The Completely and Totally Average and Believable Life Of Gary Stunning**

**Chapter 1: A Stu-nning Day in Paradise**

_Today is the day._

Indeed, after a whole 21.5 seconds of waiting in line to get my copy of Sword Art Online, I have finally acquired it! The young lady at the counter who helped me cut my way past a few dozen eager children who had been camping for days in line certainly helped; heck, she even calmed a few people down when their fourteen-fifteen year old children started crying after I brought the last ten copies the store had. Although my explanation of 'I have to give these to my ex-girlfriends, who totally still want me by the way' didn't fly with them she did a very good job of pacifying the angered plebs. That's not the only _great job_ she did, though...

_Huhah!_

Anyways, I pull into my house driving the Jaguar E-Type V12 that I brought with the prize money I got from winning my fifteenth international kendo tournament, sixth consecutive Taekwondo national competition, and netting a sponsorship from Nike for basketball. I'm a pretty average guy from a pretty average family, so I'm very lucky to have such a decent car. My younger sister bursts through the door as I step out of my ride and embraces me, practically crying into my shirt.

_My Little Sister Can't Be This Cute!_ The awesomely otaku side of me can't help but think that, and I flash a masculine smile at the thought of all the Ecchi anime I've watched recently. Only a few losers at school have ever dared make fun of me for it, but whatever, they're just less intelligent than I am because they don't find Japanese cartoons filled with boobs and incest appealing.

"Oniii-chan!" she squeals gleefully as she tugs on my shirt. My sister, three years my junior at the age of 14, already is starting to show signs of development. Her glistening, golden blonde locks of hair flow around the body of a supermodel, and I'm proud to have such a beautiful little girl as my younger sister. I look nothing like her; my dark, enticing eyes and obsidian-colored, crew cut hair contrast sharply against hers image. This is, of course, because we're not really siblings, but cousins...

You see, a tragedy occurred to my parents when I was very young... something about a circus elephant's feces causing a performer to light the place on fire, catching them in the flames in the process. I may have died too, but my plot armor was enough to get me out of there with no injuries except for the conveniently badass scar which runs along my cheek that the fire _somehow_ gave me. Yet, in truth: I was too young to really be affected, mentally scarred, or traumatized by the event. Hell, I don't even remember my parents. All I know is that I have a vague but tragic event in my back story which automatically allows me to be realistically flawless in every other way, shape, and form anyone could possibly imagine. Even more so than you, _Jesus Yamato._

"What's wrong, Sis?" my unimaginably virile jaw cracks open as the question glides out of my mouth in perfect a capella bass, causing the gargantuan muscles in my neck to ripple from the deepness of my voice.

"Onii-chan! You were gone for fifteen minutes!" Sis whimpers. She's always like this. Once I finish scoring 100% on all my classes' online tests and playing a few hours of RPGs I go out clubbing with my friends for a few hours every night. Sis gets super-worried every single time, especially when I only come back the next day. She really shouldn't, though; after all, I'm just picking up women all night with my amazing video game skills. I push every button _just right_, or so I'm told by the entire female population of this town.

_Huhah!_

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, Sis." I reply with a level of suave that would make the entire Westboro Baptist Church go gay for me.

"I'm so glad!" she hugs me even tighter for a few more seconds and then lets go because she realizes the plot has to progress and dialogue is difficult to write.

I brush past my bombshell of a little 'Sis' and go to my room, balancing all ten copies of Sword Art Online vertically on my fingers. I already have a copy in my room because I was one of the first people selected for the Beta Test(who wasn't?) but I needed them for my exes. Whatever, they'll come over in a group to beg for me to get back with them later so I'll just play SAO for now... I can _play_ with those girls later.

_Huhah!_

I put the Nerve Gear on with a small amount of difficulty as I have to fit my huge head into it. In this day and age, it's hard to be a six foot seven athlete-gamer. When I was doing the body registration in the Beta it had to double check to make sure I had actually measured the bulge of my muscles correctly. At two hundred and fifty pounds of pure muscle it was almost too much for SAO to handle. On the other hand, my more famous bulge was certainly too big for Cardinal's programmed parameters.

_Huhah!_

With the Nerve Gear tuck snugly upon my head, I plug myself in and lie down on my enormous bed. I am forced to say "Link Start" not once, not twice, but thrice for the system to realize it is a voice making that sound and not a contrabass BBb Tuba. Damnit, this was something I asked them to fix during the beta! Oh well, you can't have _everything_, I suppose. Being the epitome of manliness, bravado, and brilliance _has_ to have a few downfalls, otherwise my life would feel unreal.

Finally, the green flashing lights drag me into my favorite world: the game world.

"Welcome to Sword Art Online", Gary Stunning.

The system recognizes me as a Beta tester and I use my Beta character, which I modeled to look exactly like me because I am not a vain in the slightest and am confident with my looks, to log on. I appear in a blur of brilliant blue crystals and stare at my hands for no apparent reason. Women and men alike from all around pause to take in my dashing looks, but I ignore them. I have a game to play!

_I'm in! I'm really back!_

I gleefully sprint through the streets of Starting City. Today is the day where it all begins, today is the day where I, Gary Stunning, am back inside the world I love the most! I am gleeful, I am ecstatic!

...and I am mistaken. This is not only a beginning, but an end to my average, totally normal and realistic every day life.

But I don't know this yet. So I just run to the nearest monster field, where I'll be idly slaughtering Frenzy Boars until a convenient plot point lands me with a few other characters.

* * *

><p><strong>IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF COMPLETELY AVERAGE GARY'S AMAZINGLY AWESOME ADVENTURES<strong>:

Gary Stunning, your average teenage tender playboy, philanthropist, charity-worker, testosterone-vault, ladies-man, boy-genius, pro-gamer, and sports-prodigy will run into characters from the original Sword Art Online novels. If you can't guess who it is and the tension is killing you, watching the full length of the first episode of the anime might tip you off! God knows that's more research than I've done! But worry not, dear reader, if I screw it up I'll just put it down to AU!

* * *

><p><em>Actual AN: _Before you review, make sure to read the genre of this FF. I think its pretty obvious what genre this is, but eh, who knows. **I am the beta reader of this**, publishing under my account because the writer, **Interfector**, asked me to. If you have any questions about anything, message him please.


	2. Chapter 2: Brave and Handsome New World

**Chapter 2: The Most Original Beginning to An Adventure Possibly Imaginable**

With my spawn point in Starting City a Swedish mile behind me, I am currently sprinting through the grassy fields of the first floor at a speed that a would make a F1 McLaren wet itself. I proceed to to leap over an entire hill, sailing thorough the air with the aeronautical grace of a wedge of swans and end up landing in the midst of a sea of Frenzy Boars. The barbaric beasts at first make an attempt to attack me, but when I approach with a ludicrously masculine gait they bow their heads in submission and then roll over, presenting their underbellies for the slaughter. I finish them off using nothing but my body; after all, that's how I usually _pork_ things...

_Huhah!_

Anyways, with the swine swiftly snuffed out of existence, I pull up my xp/item menu. I laugh in a lordly fashion as I boost up to level ten, the fast leveling being a product of a system they implemented about halfway through the Beta: The _Edgy Character_ XP bonus. Reserved for players with a heartbreaking, poorly developed, and/or tragic back-story allows me to gain experience at a glorious rate, allowing for easy training. The reason they gave this to us is, of course, so that while the regular players do lame things like hunt for treasure, quest, and grind their way to the top we can afford to take two week vacations to a little lake-side home, maybe kill a petty monster or two, and still meet any leveling quotas we may have. It also gives us time to envelop ourselves with angst, or, in my case: envelop myself in female players!

_Huhah!_

I jog up the adjacent hill, averaging a moderate 23.45 miles per hour. As I pull up over the hill, I spot two players attacking a Frenzy Boar. One of the players has long, dark hair and looks patient and composed, the other is a sissy ginger rolling on the ground holding his crotch. Suddenly and for no conceivable reason, a boar spawns behind the edgier player, turning its head towards him and initiating a charge. With the whimpering carrot-top occupied with being a little bitch, there is no one to warn the calm one of his impending in-game death. With a strange sense of urgency, I turn 'hero mode' on and launch myself into a Rage Spike, a basic one-handed sword attack. If you're wondering why someone as manly as I am didn't pick a heavier fighting style, like two-handed swords, the reason is simple: one-handed swords are _hip._... and happen to be the only weapon which anyone really knows the Sword Skills of...

Anyway, the player looks startled when he sees me charging towards him. To avoid a misunderstanding I shoot him my most charismatic smile as I shout:

"Watch out!"

The player leaps out of my way, understanding my intentions immediately and allowing me to hit the Frenzy Boar head on. My blade cuts through the plot point's tusks, tearing a way through its body from head to tail and causing its health to hit zero. I sail through the scintillating aqua polygons and each one that touches down on my ostentatious biceps is a drop of beautiful water landing in a flawless ocean of testosterone, smooth-skin, and muscle-mass. The glittering polygons shatter slowly atop my outrageously mesomorphic torso and I realize that with all this light shining down on me, I must look like I'm sparkling under the sun-light. God damn, it's good to be average looking.

The black-haired swordsman walks up to me and shakes my hand with a firm, somewhat manly grip. The ginger is still on the floor, mumbling about his pizza or something stupid. The black-swordsman gestures towards me and I realize not a second later that he wants me to introduce myself.

"Gary Stunning. Gary Stu, for short."

"Kirito, it's good to meet you, and that...", we both shoot a sidelong glance at the writhing ball of estrogen and timidity nearby , "... is Klein". We share a knowing, mutually badass nod as we realize that with two guys as regular as us, there is no space for someone like Klein to be our friend. I'm damn happy that this Kirito dude is such an extrovert, because I don't really have that many friends in school despite the fact that I'm totally fucking awesome. I mean hell, it's their loss, but even I like having friends. If Kirito were an introvert, it would take time, dialogue, shared experience, and comradery for us to be real friends, which is so _laaaaame_. This is much easier to write.

The two of us, now best friends, decide to go on training without Klein. It's hard enough to have a harem when there are _two_ badasses on the playing field, and we both know that. We can't have him developing into someone as cool as us, as unlikely as it is, so we opt to leave him behind. Unfortunately, we have not taken but ten steps until we find ourselves teleported into Starting City's main square.

_Huh? Ah._

I am among a large mass of players, all of whom seem to be sharing panicked murmurs. Conveniently, Kirito has appeared right next to me so I haven't lost my best bud just yet. I am relieved when I notice that only about half of the hushed whispers are from confused male players who want to know why they've been teleported, the other half are merely women admiring my splendid figure.

Before I can make a move on a few of the options I have before me an annoying, loud noise bursts across the world and a bunch of warning signs appear in the sky. I watch as deep red blood seems to ooze out the ceiling, dripping down from the sky above in long, intertwining chains of serum. Being honest here: I haven't seen this much blood since last weekend. You see, a real man pleases his women any time of the month.

_Huhah!_

The blood-clot morphs into a GM, and soon we have a giant man in the sky, robed in crimson, drawing about a half-dozen females gazes' away from me and towards him. From underneath his dark and edgy hood, a voice booms out across the plaza.

"Players, welcome to my world. I am Kayaba Akihiko"

"My world?" I hear Kirito ask questioningly(as opposed to asking with certainty, of course) from my left.

"You've probably noticed that your logout button is missing from the main menu. This is not a bug, but a feature of Sword Art Online." Kayaba explains.

"What?" I hear someone sputter from nearby.

"You can not log out of Sword Art Online." Kayaba states. He goes on to explain all the different intricacies this involves while the crowd gives stereotypical 'oh my god' and 'you must be joking' responses for five to six minutes. I find myself thanking the lord that this is the first time I'm encountering this speech because even with my colossal and developed brain I'd get a damn aneurysm if I had to sit through this crap more than once.

"We won't die, Kayaba! We'll win this easy!" I yell, my voice projecting a booming, deep cry of outrage so powerful that it takes Kayaba aback. The video-game nerd turned programmer, when faced with my aura of refined might and manliness, can do nothing but stutter out some crap about a 'gift for the players' before he retreats. Around 4,000 ovaries explode simultaneously at my display of sheer bravery, and ten thousand players lift their swords and chant my name, we can win this. I sincerely hope I didn't overdo this, or those girls' bodies on the other side might hemorrhage from being too turned on.

Then, the unforgettable happens. Everyone uses their mirrors. Suddenly the blooming buxom babes running towards me are replaced with young, wimpy looking men. Klein, far to the right, morphs from a whiny ginger to a barbaric looking whiny ginger. Even Kirito, the epitome of a bro, turns slightly more feminine. Of course, since I built my character to look exactly like me the change has no effect on me and I remain with my slightly above-average looks.

With the whole world collapsing around us, Kirito and I remain calm. This is, of course, because we've been in life-or-death situations before. I made it through that elephant-feces incident when I was a child, and he's definitely got some dark past haunting him too. I also had that short encounter with a sleuth of grizzly bears at one point, although the hardest part of that was explaining to PETA why they were suddenly nearing extinction afterwards.

Anyways, I rush over to a group of broken and lost looking girls: one with chestnut hair, one timid looking chick with dark hair, a loli babe, and some weird girl who has a hammer for whatever reason. They need my help, support, and assistance, after all.

"Hey girls, do you need help." I don't ask, I state. That's how a true man operates.

"Yeah, we just don't know what to do..." the girl with chestnut hair mutters. She seems like a strong girl just from looking at her, but I'm sure she wouldn't survive without a male in her life. All women are like that, you see, even if she were a top fighter in a top guild she'd need saving 24/7. It's just how it works.

"Well, I might be able to help." I respond in an extremely smooth fashion, and behind a crowd of people a player carrying a "God Hates Fags" sign begins moaning in lusty pleasure. I opt to end this conversation quickly and get of here. I don't smoke, but saying that God Hates cigarettes is a little excessive, I think.

"My name's Stunning. Gary Stunning. What's yours?" I continue.

"Asuna." her perfect lips inform me. More like _Ass-_una, if you ask me. That's #1 ass, for those of you who don't speak Mexican.

Now that we know each others names and have said more than twenty five words to each other, we know each other well enough to have a relationship. She practically throws herself into my tree-trunk arms and we share a long, deep kiss. I see that to my right that Kirito has done the same with the timid dark haired girl, but that's okay. I don't work well with the timid types, and this girl is okay, I guess.

"So, who are the others?"

"Sachi, Lisbeth, and Silica" Asuna points to the timid dark hair girl who is playing tonsil-hockey with Kirito, the hammer-wielding weirdo, and the loli babe, respectively.

"Okay." I say, because talking for an extended amount of time to women is hard. Oh, the trials of being a gamer-geek.

"Hey Kirito, let's go." I tell my best buddy.

"Okay dude." He grabs Sachi's arm and I take Asunas hand and we begin to walk with the group of four girls towards the nearest exit.

"Hey, can I ride on your massive shoulders?" the loli babe, Silica, asks on the way there

_That's not the only ride you'll be getting, babe._

I lift her up as if she were a feather and place her firmly around my neck. Asuna doesn't get jealous for a mili-second, after all, harems are a natural outcome of someone being as amazing, skilled, and average as I am. Polygamy is totally chill if you're too cool for regular relationship structures. Just ask those dudes from High School DxD, High School of The Dead, and Index; it works great for them.

I'm _such_ an Otaku.

With the girl's lower body pressing at the back of my head, we keep on marching. I ponder over the fact that this week, this certainly isn't the first time I've had my head in between a girls legs. To be fair, I was facing the other direction that time...

_Huhah!_

Anyways, with our merry band of ridiculously strong, beautiful, intelligent, witty, and talented 'misfits' we head off, truly beginning our dangerous and exciting journey in the world of Sword Art Online.

* * *

><p><strong>NEXT TIME, JOIN ORDINARY GARY AND HIS PICTURESQUE POSSE AS THEY PUSH THEIR WAY THROUGH SWORD ART ONLINE<strong>

A month has passed since the start of the game, and with Gary and his friends at a mere level 95, will they be able to clear the floor? Find out in the next installment of the Tale of Gary Stu-nning, where character development, relationship building, and adherence to canon is what matters the most. Also, tune in for more Gary x Females.

There was slight AU in this chapter, but it was to expand on the concepts described in the anime/novel. If there was a huge two year timeskip after the initial segment, I wouldn't have to do this and could work inside vast boundaries within the canon. Hell, I could explore orange players, the Laughing Coffin, being a member of the KoB or the DDA, or even Furinkazaan. Unfortunately, Reki Kawahara described every single floor, enemy, boss, character, and guild in this game down to the most minute detail. As such, I am forced to make this AU. Kirito will still play a major role, because he's really cool and I hate FFs which overpower their OC and replace him :(

* * *

><p><em>Actual AN:_ Updates are daaaamn slow. You can blame Interfector for that, but I guess you can also thank him since he's written like 99% of this from the very beginning. If you asked me why I'm the one publishing this and why he's asked me to not put him as the author, I wouldn't be able to tell you. My best guess is that its probably because he makes fun of his own OC FF pretty frequently in Gary Stunning's tale and... Eh, crap, I got lost in what I was trying to say. Point is, this is a colab with Interfector(aka, I'm his Beta Reader) and he's a damn slow writer( a good one, though) so expect sporadic updates.


	3. Chapter 3: Gary Stu-nning vs Cactus

**Chapter 3: Gary Stu-nning Vs. The Wor—Cactus Head.**

_Damn, too slow._

I grimace as the wolf's jaws clamp down on my left arm and its teeth sink into my skin, dropping my hitpoints by a whole 0.05%. I retaliate quickly, and as a pixel disappears from by health bar I drag my injured hand skyward while flexing my right arm's bicep. At the sight of my bulging muscle the wolf's jaw drops, letting of my left entirely. This, combined with the upward motion of my hand catapults the wolf a few hundred meters into air. The creature begins squealing as it soars further and further upwards, but I can't let it get away like this. Using my «Searching Skill» I watch it smack into the bottom of the second floor, bounce right off it and start tumbling back down. I dig my heel into the ground and initiate a «Sonic Leap» , kicking off the ground and launching myself towards the creature. I reach it about a half mile above terra firma and drag my sword through its body, causing each one of its polygons to shatter as I slice through it. Like any other well coded enemy in an RPG game it dies from a single charge attack, allowing me to parachute back down using the wolf skin I got from the drop with ease.

I glide to the ground and touch down in front of Asuna, who runs up to me and embraces me gleefully. I grin, looking past her at the Level Up! screen which has appeared on my HUD. Level 95, huh? Not too shabby, but all this damn training is digging away at my 'me time'. My 'me time' being 'me and a few girls', of course.

Suddenly, I remember that the lovely little lady I'm holding in my arms is, technically speaking, my wife, and I feel ashamed at my dirty thought for a full half second. I need to remember that I can only be romantic with women that I've talked to for at least a while from now on, or Asuna might get angry at me. She also said that it's only okay if they're part of a harem and if I don't do anything more than blatantly flirting with them to her face. Those are the conditions she has given me, after all, and while I don't exactly love the idea of restrictions that one week honeymoon we spent at a lakeside is worth being kept on such a tight leash.

"Oh my God, Gary! I was so scared!" Asuna wails in a maidenly fashion as her tears seep into my trench-coat. Thank the Lord she isn't a tsundere, seriously. Or any kind of character at this point, at that.

"It's okay babe, these wolfs don't even carry giant swords in mouths." I reassure her, patting the silky chestnut-brown hair atop her head.

"Eh?" she seems puzzled at my comment._  
><em>

Oh, right. This is her first video game and she is inexplicably amazing at it, how could I forget? Usually I'd be annoyed by this scrub-like behaviour, but I guess I can forgive her for being a casual gamer as long as she's hardcore in other aspects...

_Huhah!_

"Yo dude-bro, should we take on the floor boss?" Kirito asks as he obliterates a wolf with a single strike, using his other hand to princess carry Sachi.

"I'm afraid of dying, Kirito!" Sachi whines in a way that only a strong female character could. I ignore her, as this mewling is all she ever seems to do. That is what makes her such a perfect girl after all: she's weak, squeamish, and unable to fend for herself to such an extent that the White Knight idealist in me can't help but feel touched by the depth of her personality. If I didn't have Asuna, I'd probably go for her.

"Yeah, we've been training long enough" I reply. Really, we have. It's hard when the only two enemies on this floor apart from the monsters in the boss fight are Frenzy Boars and Wolfs, but we've all managed to get above level 80, so we're all set. The Edgy Character XP bonus has definitely helped.

"Ohhh my god hell yeah let's do this!" Klein chortles in an extremely nerdy fashion, an annoying gesture considering he's barely reached level 80 due to him having friends in real life. The idiot has been trying to get in the way of me and Kirito's friendship, but he's just not cool enough. What a loser.

"Shut up, Klein!" everyone yells at him.

With Klein crying and running off into the distance, we decide to head our way over to the nearby town where they are coincidentally holding the very first boss meeting. On the way in I buy some bread from a vendor and, with practiced finesse, apply some cream to it. I'm about to take a bite when I see Asuna looking at the bread like it's my body, desire burning in her eyes. I glance down at the bread and then throw a dashing smile at her.

"Do you want it?" I ask her, my voice low enough to make the particles in the air resonate at within the ELF spectrum.

"Yesss" Asuna moans, taking the bread gently from my firm masculine hands. She sensually inhales it, trembling with pleasure every rapid successive bite she takes, and I make a mental note that Asuna really, really likes cream.

_This should come in handy later._

We're about to walk into the centre where the meeting is being held when suddenly a shriek interrupts my sexual fantasies.

"I'm afraid of dying!" Sachi screams from atop Kirito's shoulders, drawing by-standers eyes away from my butch body and onto her hysterical figure. Damnit, Sachi. Kirito shoves the fear-mongering cockroach aside with his foot, pacifying Sachi, and then we head onwards.

We go down a single step of the forum to sit next to Lisbeth and Silica, who we met up with earlier this morning. They scoot over and I find to my delight that we have placed ourselves at the far back, where all the important people go go. It's kinda like the window-seat in school, we just _need_ to be there. We stare down as the blue-haired guy starts his speech. Unlike Kayaba's droning, I do my best to pay attention but I somehow feel like I've seen this crap before, so I ignore most of it until he says "form a party". Kirito, Lisbeth, Sachi, Silica, Asuna, and I naturally go as a group, and I figure Klein is lucky he left early because he'd be the odd one out. What a loser. The speech drones on when suddenly...

"Hold on a moment! I have something to say!" a yell comes from the crowd, and the dude stops his speech.

"Well, what is it?" the Knight asks. A short man with a head that vaguely resembles a cactus with all the spikes it has prances out of the crowd in the most punk clothing I've seen in this game. He chuckles creepily as he walks up to Diabel(that's the blue haired dude's name, guys) and then spins to faces the crowd.

"My name is Kibaou! I wanna say something before we take on the boss: some of you have to apologize to the players who've died!" the cactus head, Kibaou, yells at the group. He starts mouthing off at the beta testers, and to my surprise Kirito starts to shake, perhaps from regret. Damnit, I have to do something!

I leap down the steps towards him, passing by a black guy who is only a bit shorter than I am and landing hard before Kibaou. Spiky, who had been snickering a little, seems suddenly taken aback by my sheer masculinity and power, and he inches back ever so slightly.

"You said you blamed the beta testers, right?" I ask him in a stern tone and suddenly the circle is a church, my voice the lowest notes of the organ. Mesmerized by my graceful and mighty figure, the little shit answers honestly as a reflex.

"Y-yeah" he chokes it out like a coward, and I slap him hard in the face in response because violence is always the answer.

"You can't just go around deciding that. You think we'd all be alive if it wasn't for the beta testers? The Guide Book is made by beta testers, do you think you'd have made it far without that?" I beat some verbal sense into him.

"B-bu..." he tries whimpering out some crappy excuse, but I slap him hard in the face again. Fortunately for me, the harassment system in this game is as inconsistent as it gets, so I can hit him a few more times before my cursor goes orange. This is obviously good news, as my life would be boring if I was an Orange Player.*****

"Get the fuck out of my face and sit down." I give the order, and with my voice at such a stunningly low frequency cactus-heads eyes oscillate, causing the tears that had been welling up in his Lacrimal gland to pour out of his eyes. The wailing cactus, now properly watered, runs back to his seat and dives onto the stone, curling up into a fetal position slowly after landing. I feel terrible because I'm usually the kind of person Mr. Rogers would want me to be, but this had to be done.

I bounce back up the stairs, my gargantuan quadriceps contracting and extending like two beautiful dolphins frolicking in turquoise waters, and run past the Big Black Guy who gives me a thumbs up and and a "_Thank you_" in English as I pass by. I respond with a "_you're welcome_" of course because I'm a self taught quadrilingual, which is the natural outcome of being a third-culture kid. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm a bit of a mix. My absurdly enticing voice is courtesy of my half-English background, my innate sword skills are down to my third of Japanese blood, and my in-built sense of justice and freedom can be pinned down to the fact that I'm a third American. I'm also a sixteenth Irish and a half quarter Sagitarian, although they have less influence on my life than the rest of my background.

With a final hop up the last steps I reach my friends.

"Good job, bro" Kirito fist bumps me as I sit down.

"Oh Gary, how are you so indescribably irresistible?!" Asuna, Lisbeth, and Silica squeal as they wrap themselves around me in a huge group hug.

"I don't want to die!" Sachi informs all of us at the sight of the Kibaou glaring up at me, and I once again marvel at how complex she is.

"Hey, it was no problem. Someone needed to put him in his place, otherwise we'd seem like awful people for using beta knowledge for our own selfish gains." I reply, and upon hearing my ludicrously bad-ass response a player a few rows below us literally ices up and freezes. You see, there's a sweet spot to be when around me, you need to be close enough to get my heat or you'll be iced over by how cool I am. There's another sweet spot if you're female, though...

_Huhah!_

...wait. If you're _Asuna_, I mean. Damn, this is tougher that being surrounded by a pack of Frenzy Boars. It seems pigging out is easier than holding back... but I love her and I'll do this because we've been together for about a month now, which is a reasonable amount of time to decide you love someone in. Besides, my time with her has lasted almost four times longer than my previous relationships, so I guess you could say I'm pretty committed to this.

"Well then, let's go to the boss then!" Diabel announces and the crowd cheers in response. Fifteen minutes later and without encountering a single enemy, we reach the boss room doors.

"I'm afraid of dying, Kirito!"

"All right, remembers your roles and we should all be fine. Ready? Let's go!" after Diabel's long, charming, and enthusiastic prep talk I can't help but feel pumped as we go through the doors. There's no doubt this guy will make a good third in command, Kirito being the first in command and I as the vice-commander, of course. I'm not so arrogant as to shoot for the very top.

The entire rooms lights up, and suddenly the fat-arsed red Illfang the Kobold Lord launches himself onto the battlefield, spawning three sentries as he lands. As our squad has been assigned to taking care of the Kobold Sentinels, I target the one in the middle instantly and await the order.

"Charge!"

In about a half second, my sword is through the first one's neck and it shatters into a cascade of falling light. This will be an easy fight if it goes on lik—

"Gary, watch out!" I hear a feminine scream that can only be from Asuna, and I turn to see a Sentinel's mace coming straight for my torso. With no room to dodge, I wince as the mace smashes into me. The weapon snaps in half as it collides with my chiseled abdomen, its top fragment clattering loudly as it hits the ground. I slide back a centimeter from the fully-forced hit and to my horror my health drops to 99%. In a panicked, sloppy counter-attack I do a triple front-flip over him and stab the creature though a inch-wide slit in his armour. The critical hit does damage worth his health points four times over and he instantly breaks into nothingness.

"I'm so glad you're alright! I would have killed myself if you had died here!" the extremely independent and strong Asuna is now a mess of raw emotions, and I can't blame her. Girls can't live without guys they love after a month or two of being together, so her wanting to commit suicide in case of my death is perfectly reasonable.

"It's okay babe, I won't die."

"I don't want to die!" Sachi waves the death flag above her head from atop Kirito's shoulders once again.

_Damnit, Sachi._

We turn towards the Boss, who is currently smacking players aside as if they were nothing more than insects. Without our help, they'll surely fall.

"We need to help them." Kirito mutters under his breath like a true badass.

"Yeah." I say, because any other answer would be idiotic and leave me looking like an asshole.

_We have to win this._

* * *

><p><strong>TUNE IN(?) NEXT CHAPTER TO SEE THE PAINFULLY PREDICTABLE RESULTS OF THE FIRST FLOOR BOSS FIGHT.<strong>

They've spent the last month slaughtering the two types of enemies on the first floor and during that time no one of real importance died, but what will they do now that they are faced against Illfang, the Kobold Lord? How will our heroes do and who will die in this treacherous fight that walks the line between life and death, and will any of them die so early on that they become forgotten almost entirely later chapters? Only time and/or watching the second episode of the anime will tell!

* * *

><p><em>Actual AN:_ Hope you enjoyed and special thanks to Agent 94 for his input and help. If you'd like to see something parodied here, our take on any aspect of SAO, or have constructive criticism feel free to PM either me or Interfector.

Also, if you noticed the *** **in the chapter that's because I'm being an asshole to Interfector and adding that in without telling him, I won't explain past that.


	4. Chapter 4: Illfang vs The Boss

**Chapter 5: Illfang vs The Boss**

_Dodge, for crap's sake_!

I watch as Big Black Guy attempts to block a heavy hit from Illfang and gets sent skidding across the ground on his back, his health bar at yellow from the ax-to-ax collision. I'm glad to see he's okay, but by God he really is an idiot for building his character as a tank. Everyone knows speed and dexterity are where it's at; after all, anyone who wants to survive more than a few hits in a game where death is permanent and real is a _filthy casual._

I sigh, wondering why anyone would want to live such a low risk life in this game as «Battle Healing» negates any and all damage that the Sentinel in front of me is doing as he stabs me repeatedly through the chest . I grab the spear's shaft and crush it with my firm, testosterone-fueled grip. The weapon shatters into pieces and the Sentinel falls into a shivering heap before me, its coded will to fight completely negated by my sheer masculinity, bravery, nobility, masculinity, strength, power, masculinity, beauty, and humility. Did I mention my masculinity?

"And stay down!" I yell at the Sentinel while rushing towards Illfang the Kobold Lord, who is currently attacking Diabel. If you're wondering why I didn't cut the mob down, the answer is simple. I would never harm anything that lies down before me, at least not on purpose. Hell, that group of 4 blonde models being sore afterwards was really not intentional, it was just that at the time I thought lasting 6 hours was normal.

_Huhah!_

I leap twenty meters into the air like anyone still on the first floor of a game should be able to and arc myself downwards, activating a new sword skill mid-air and targeting Illfang. With my sword held in front of me and my legs behind me, I, Garry Stu-nning, become a rocket fashioned of pure sinew, virility, and pink flashy lights(from the sword skill). When the testosterone shuttle smashes into the Kobold Lord's exposed back I send it tumbling forward, the hit from a single one handed sword user obviously far too much for it to stay on its feet. It's health bar also drops down to the last one, losing two full bars in one hit. What a well designed boss.

Kirito wipes out a few squadrons of Sentinels with a single swipe and then runs over to me with Asuna in tow. Sachi is still clinging onto his back, using one of her hands to pull a red shirt out of her inventory.* Kirito slides to a stop beside me, and along with Diabel, Big Black Guy, Cactus, and Asuna, we stare down the boss.

"Let's win this." I make the most profound and useful statement that has ever left a human being's mouth.

"Yeah." Kirito responds, continuing the trend of High Quality Dialogue.

Now, usually two people fighting a boss on their own, even when the boss only has one health bar left, is a terrible idea. It is, of course, supposed to be a creature that can withstand the onslaught of multiple parties and 40+ people at once, but with Kirito and I's levels due to the Edgy Character XP Bonus we should be fine. After all, if things get tough we can always yell something mid battle and that will let us do more damage.

So with speed that reminds me of my days of winning Gold in the junior Olympics track meets we charge Illfang, our swords held at our sides. We are less than 10 meters away from him when my flawless stride is cut short by some blue haired loser. Oh, it's Diabel.

"Stand back! I'll finish him!" Diabel charges forward, and as he takes the next step, Illfang pulls out his weapon thing. I don't know what it's called, because lets face it, anyone who researches different kinds of weapons is probably a virgin.

"Hey, should we tell him it's different from the Beta?" Kirito asks.

"Nah, that'd be too simple."

So in classic MMORPG fashion we sit back and watch faithfully as he gets his ass kicked by a combo even I find slightly absurd. Diabel's limp bodies goes flying a few meters and skids across the cold, hard floor, and I run over to him as Kirito covers me.

"Diabel, drink this." I go into a flawless slide a good fifteen meters away from him, coming to a stop in a kneeling position over him, health potion at the ready. Unfortunately, my badass entrance is ruined by the fact he stops my health potion with his hand. This feels odd, as it is the first time a long, cylinder-esque object of mine has been stopped by anything.

_Huhah!_

"You have to defeat the boss, Gary. For everyone's sake." Diabel chokes out his words as if he's in serious pain, which is odd because you don't feel pain in SAO.

"Okay, sure. But why are you rejecting the health potion? You could live if you just drank it, so this is kind of a pointle-" I cut myself off because he explodes into a million small fragments forcing me to sit there, momentarily shocked. The bastard died before I finished making my point!

I turn around to see Kirito killing off the boss in some extremely exaggerated fashion with Asuna, landing next to the boss. He gets the drop, which is some super duper edgy cape. I'm kind of jealous, I will admit, because as everyone knows edgy and cool are synonymous.

"Good job, bro." I fistbump Kirito, because we're best friends and everything. Playboy sportsmen who drive nice cars and shut in gamers with no friends are natural BFFs.

"Thanks, dude." Our collective perfection causes Asuna and Sachi to collapse into writhing piles of want and desire, or at least in Asuna's case. Sachi was probably about to do the same, but she knocked herself out when she fell off Kirito's back. Well, at least she'll keep her mouth shut now. The entire appeal of her is that you can project whatever personality you want on her, so when she speaks she sometimes comes dangerously close to becoming an actual character, which would suck.

"I don't want to die!" she says as she wakes with a start.

"Oh, thank God. I thought she was going to do something non-generic." Kirito said with a worried look as he picked her up off the floor. Kirito and I had a laugh together and Asuna hung off my shoulder. Big Black Guy and the other clearers were also smiling, happy that we had won the fight.

"How can you guys be happy, you bastards!" Our happiness is interrupted by a scream from Cactus Head, and I'm about to stride over to him and brute force him back into his place but I decide to hear him out because walking over to him would mean getting Asuna off me.

"Diabel... Diabel is dead and you guys are happy? You bastards! You're probably all Beta Testers!" Again, Kirito looks slightly wounded, and because of that I take action for my best buddy.

"So what if we're Beta testers? We saved your lives, didn't we?" I say with a harsh tone, and in the face of my sheer confidence and power Cactus Head backs down.

"He's right about Diabel, though. Someone should do a eulogy for him." Big Black Guy states, and I can't but agree with him. I respect minorities, after all.

"Yeah, you're right." Kirito nods at Big Black Guy.

"Okay, so who'll do the speech?"

Silence in the crowd. One meek voice rings out from the back.

"Err, we've all only known him for like, a day."

It's a good point.

_Oh fuck it._

"I'll do it!" I announce proudly and step up in front of the crowd.

"Diabel was a friend, a leader, a fighter, a painfully contrived attempt to make us realize the impact of death in this game, and he had a pretty cool hair color. His death may have been silly and completely avoidable, but his life was filled with passion, power, and arm-waving. During the thirteen minutes of screen time I knew Diabel for I made a deep emotional connection with him, as I'm sure everyone else did. He will be sorely missed, and we will carry his memory with us for at least a floor or two." The crowd starts to clap at the end of my speech, those who were sitting down stand up to continue clapping. If you're wondering were I got my ultra manly speech-skills from, I'll kindly remind you I was the president of the student council during middle school.

Asuna hugs me deeply, tears in her eyes as no woman can go more than a few hours without bursting into tears. I hug her back and pick her up, and along with Kirito and Sachi start to walk towards the exit.

"See you guys on the next floor!" Big Black Guys calls out to us as Klein, Lisbeth, Silica come out from their hiding places to follow us. I have no idea how Klein got in here, considering he wasn't even part of the party, but at least Lisbeth and Silica know their roles. They aren't very useful in a fight, but they need to be with us when we're walking to complete Kirito and I's badass harem look. Crap, I mean Kirito's harem look. I'm married to Asuna, which reminds me that I need to give her some bread with cream later today, or maybe just cream...

_Huhah!_

We throw the gate open to the next floor as a collective, and, as a group of social rejects and beaters that everyone loves and respects begin the climb to the next floor.

* * *

><p><strong><span>IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF GARY STU-NNING'S SPLENDIFEROUS STAGING<br>**

When Heathcliff, the leader of some big guild no one really cares about, challenges Gary Stu-nning to a duel over Asuna, how will our hero react? Will he take the challenge and initiate a battle between Gods, or has our favorite stud finally met a battle even he backs out of? Will Sachi's overdue death finally be reached next chapter? Will Lisbeth and Silica become semi-interesting characters? Will I Retcon my main character halfway through for the sake of a plot point, like so many others have done? Find out next time in Chapter 5: A Day In The Wi-er...Life

* * *

><p><em>Actual AN: _We promise that this updating slowly is part of the satire. It's a SAO FF, after all.


	5. Chapter 5: A Day In The Wife

**Chapter 5: A Day In The (W,L)ife**

"Four thousand..."

Asuna's warm, sweet voice simmers through the air around me. I can feel her weight on my back, every pound of her wasted potential as a character helping to keep me down, making this exercise harder. My entire upper body is exposed, and, as it has been shinning gracefully with sweat for a few minutes now, has drawn a crowd. The once passers-by ogle at the godlike display of sheer virility that is my being with wonder, awe, and in the case of many of the women in the crowd, _passionate_ arousal.

_Ladies, ladies. You can come right upstairs and I'll show you my best exercise rout- oh f_uck. I remember that I do, in fact, have a wife who is currently serving as my extra weight for these push-ups. Damn it. I guess I should finish this part up soon so I can get to most intimate part of our circuit training. After all, Asuna couldn't be a better 'gym partner' in that aspect.

_Huhah!_

Effortlessly, my **_major _**_Pectoralis Major _gracefully raises me, and the babe mounting me, back into a perfect push-up position, my arms outstretched.

"Four thousand... and one!" Asuna gleefully exclaims. The adults in the crowd cheer, the children begin weeping with joy, and the simultaneous explosion of dozens of ovaries within the ranks of the masses causes the younger men in the crowd to stare at their female companions in utter virginity-fueled confusion. From the corner of my eye, I see a NPC janitor awkwardly shift a wooden "Warning: Wet Floor" sign into place before scurrying off.

_Damn, it's good to be this good._

I pick up Asuna with one arm, her graceful figure trembling with pleasure next to my chest, and take her inside to wipe the sweat off her. It was hard for her at first, but she's gotten used to going outside with gallons of water to avoid dehydration. Holding herself back so much around me causes her to sweat buckets, but she's really adapted as my gym partner.

"Ahhhhh, it was sooo tough today Gary." she sighs out between rapid breaths. I place her down upon the bed and begin checking myself out in one of the mirrors.

"Don't worry babe, I got it covered." I may say this now, but honestly? I broke a sweat out there. A single droplet. I must be losing my touch.

Using one of the nearby towels, I wipe Asuna's sweat off my body and turn back to face her. She says something, but I'm too busy looking at my own reflection in the mirror behind her. The bed is, of course, surrounded by three full wall ones which show every single action I perform on the bed. It would be impossible to admire myself in the act otherwise. Best choice ever.

"...right, Gary?" Asuna finishes whatever she was saying. Honestly, I'd feel a little guilty about ignoring her if she wasn't going to become a poorly disguised plot device in the next major arc, but this is just how the cookie crumbles, unfortunately.

"Of course, babe." Like any man who has been married for more than a month, I pretend I listened to a word of what she just said. It's better this way, because if she ends up becoming a complex character my fans back home will come dangerously close to becoming interested in anyone other than the protagonist. Can't have that happening.

For now, though, I'll dive deep into _her _complexities.

_Huhah!_

Just another day in the Wife.

* * *

><p>The next morning, I go through a terribly familiar ordeal. Scrolling through my equipment, I really just don't know what to wear today. This isn't a commonly known fact, but dressing like the modestly and humbly while having the very peak of desirable male aesthetic traits isn't easy. Asuna is standing in the doorway, already dressed in her usual light-armor getup, gazing at me with the stars of love in her eyes. Against my best judgement and the totally accurate impression I've gotten of women from the numerous harem anime I've watched, I opt to ask her for help.<p>

"Should I take the black trench-coat today, or is my black shirt and pants enough?"

"Gary, you know I love you, but you don't always have to wear black."

"Asuna, you know how I feel about this."

As I have learned from observing Kirito, dressing like a brooding teenage anti-hero with a monochromatic wardrobe is a sure-fire way to make girls fall deeply in love with you during a short period of time. I will not forsake this one piece of wisdom I had missed during my own adventures through harem-land. That said, I can understand why Asuna is asking me to change. She likes me better with my clothes off, that's for sure...

_Huhah!_

Opting to leave the trench-coat behind, I sit down on my bed and put on my boots. I give the utterly pointless spurs at the back of my size 16 US western style boots a spin, and make my way towards Asuna.

"C'mon babe, the secondary characters want some screen time." Asuna reminds me as we begin to walk downstairs.

"Well, they've got a point after all that last night. There was some great stuff on that 72 inch HD mirror." I remark.

Blushing, she attempts to latch onto my arm, but after discovering that she is, in fact, unable to wrap her arms around my grotesquely gargantuan biceps she opts to grab onto my sleeve instead. The diamond-chiseled features on my face shift as I seductively grin back at Asuna, who is now humming to herself happily. Senpai noticed her, after all.

I open the door to the bar area of the inn as slowly and discretely as possible, so as to avoid the vast majority of players inside the inn from getting up from their tables and worshiping the second strongest couple in the entire game. The strongest couple is, of course, the one Kirito's in with Sachi. I may have a lot of raw strength and bonuses, but even _I_ can't match up to the edgy character benefits he has.

**"I don't want to dIIEEEEE!"**

I hear our group before I see them, and my vision adjusts, zooming in on an extremely confused waitress shifting awkwardly at the table where our friends are located.

"What she's trying to say is she wants vanilla ice cream." Kirito carefully explains. Ah, my best buddy is always so reliable. Asuna and I, hand in hand, make our way over to them as Sachi recovers from her conversation-induced panic attack.

"Thank you Kirito, I was sooo scared!" Sachi whines to her lover, grasping onto him tightly.

"Woah, when'd she start saying that?" I ask, bewildered at the fact that her vocabulary has expanded. Is she starting to come into her own as an individual? How will their relationship survive?

"Ah, don't worry. It's just a variation on the usual." Kirito explains, and Asuna and I sigh in relief in return. Sachi's a red-shirt character, and if she becomes anything remotely close to a developed human being before she dies then we might actually feel more sympathetic for her than for Kirito. Can't have that happening, either.

"Well, aren't you a merry bunch?" I hear a calm, soothing voice behind me. I know in that instant, that if it was physically possible to be intimidated as a man of my stature and build, I would be at this very moment from hearing this voice alone. I turn slowly, Asuna scrambling desperately to latch onto my arm and slipping off of it as if it were a tree-trunk, to face the newcomer.

"Mind if I sit with you four?" asks a man donned in red armor, a particular crimson, the color of blood. The leader of the second most prominent guild in SAO, right behind ours: The Knights of Blood Leader, Heathcliff.

_Now we're talking._

* * *

><p><strong>Will the Knight In Red Become the Knight In Dead? Come back Next Week for More Gary Stunning, Where Tension is <span>Always<span> Absent**

Who is this mysterious Heathcliff? We can tell he's not just "character of the week" from his character design, but then why wasn't he introduced earlier? Could be he a villain, or is he the hero Gary needs to help his party break them out of this game? Find out next chapter in Gary Stunning, where the return of your favorite token minority character Big Black Guy and the rest of the largely-ignored cast will mark the pen-ultimate episode of this epic tale! More Gary x Asuna and Kirito x Sachi fluff to come!

* * *

><p><span>Actual AN:<span>

_The Tale of Gary Stu-nning's _final chapter is now confirmed to be **chapter 7.** This is to avoid it getting too stale and repetitive, and so we don't mirror actual fanfiction too closely by never actually finishing the FF.

If any of you are wondering about when Interfector is going to release the next chapter of Living Orange(I know I am), his main project that's been without updates for ages, he says within two weeks(edit: years?). Take that with a grain of salt but keep your eyes wide open.

Also, a brief note directly from **Interfector: **A reviewer brought up pretty valid comments on the depiction of women within this fanfic. The reader themselves realized this, but if you are in any way shape or form offended or triggered by the way Gary treats women that means you're understanding his point as a character. The _vast_ majority of self-insert male OCs(note, not all) tend to marginalize female characters in one way or another, and Gary's objectification of women is just a take on that. If you have any major concerns with it, just PM either one of us(Harrowed or me) and we'll see what we can do.


	6. Chapter 6: The Truth Bathes in Sunlight

**Chapter 6: The Truth that Bathes in Sunlight**

"Mind if I sit with you four?"

Heathcliff, the leader of the second strongest guild in Sword Art Online, stands before us with the softest of smiles drawn across his face. For the first time since I've entered this game, and for reasons I don't fully understand, I get a knot in my stomach. I _want_ to get him away from here, to push him back...to...to buy myself...

_Buy myself what?_

"Gary, it should be okay, right?" Asuna asks me, tugging at my bicep and shattering my thought process. Snapping out of my trance, I smile sexily at my buxom babe wife, my porcelain white teeth sparkling gloriously in the sunlight. She melts down into a mess of ecstasy at this gesture of approval, and wraps her petite body around my arm. She won't be leaving there for a while, it seems. A strange feeling, considering this isn't the appendage she regularly envelops, after all.

_Huhah!_

Now back to my usual self, I glance at the Crimson Knight, who is awaiting my response...

_Ugh._

It strikes me that even with the hyper-alpha-male status both Kirito and I have, it would be a bit of a dick move to say no. Hell, it might even look bad in front of the three or four hundred players who've crowded outside the window to film Kirito and I with admiration and glee. My gut screams to get Heathcliff the hell away from us, but my pride won't take it. After all, this guy's just some old-ish dude in shitty crimson armor. Compared to me, who practically has monopolized muscle, testosterone, and virility in SAO, he shouldn't be a threat, right? He isn't even wearing black.

_So what's this feeling? _

"Go ahead, sit down" my voice slides smoothly out, causing the floor to vibrate more violently than it did at the dubstep/trap festivals I used to DJ at under the name "SkillEx", as in **Skill**ed in the **Ex**treme. Just like back in the day, the sounds I make causes a crowd of women to gush tears of joy, although this time skirts are dropping instead of the bass. Damn, I'm good.

Heathcliff, seemingly ignoring the largest flood since the Book of Genesis occurring around him, pulls a chair up to the end of the table and sits down with a calm, collected smile on his face. The five of us sit here in an intense silence; even Sachi reads the mood, desperately resorting to scribbling 死にたくない on the table mat. God damn, why can't I be alpha and speak up? What's up with this guy?

Fortunately, a lumbering figure approaches behind Heathcliff, notepad in hand. Huh, it seems like our previous waitress couldn't handle the two most powerful, influential men in the game as her customers. Heathcliff probably is pretty intimidating as well, poor girl. It's a shame, I'm married, but I'm sure that girl would have enjoyed a substantial tip. Maybe the rest of it, too.

_Huhah!_

"Whats up, B.B.G?" my charisma and confidence has returned to me once more at the comforting sight of Big Black Guy, who is standing before us, spinning a pen in his hand. Nothing like a token minority to dissolve a tense atmosphere.

"I go by Tiffany in this job, Gary. Are you guys ready to order drinks?"

Ah, hell yes, finally something to break the ice. A large percentage of the player-base may have been underage and had been never exposed to an unlimited supply of alcohol before joining this game, but there's nothing like a few pints of booze in a ID-free zone to get conversation running. As I'm a real man, I opt to order a pint of coke and rum. Or was it rum and coke? Hell, I don't know.

"I'll-"

"That won't be necessary." For the first time since I've entered this game, somewhat cuts my godlike voice off mid sentence. All eyes at the table, including mine, turn to Heathcliff.

"Gary Stunning, I challenge you to a duel."

The entire building goes silent. Outside, the chaos subsides, the passionate celebration of my masculinity replaced by looks of shock and confusion directed at Heathcliff.

"What the hell are you saying, you bastard?!" Kirito slams the table and stands up, getting in Heathcliff's face. Hell yeah, that's my best-buddy for you, always super manly and confrontational.

Heathcliff sighs, pulls up a system-menu, and with the press of a button, everyone around me drops.

"G-Gary..." Asuna, now with a yellow indicator next to her name, is paralyzed, attached to my arm as she was beforehand. I should be able to lift my arm pretty easily, even with her attached to it, but I feel bad for her as this isn't really the most graceful of positions for her to be in. Think Koala trying to effectively attach itself to "General Sherman".

"What's the meaning of this?" I turn to Heathcliff. I might be able to make people freeze up due to my ever-imposing presence, but a paralysis status is out of even my reach. Something's off.

"You've been difficult to handle, Gary Stunning. This wasn't supposed to be how to game turned out."

"What are you talking about?" Any doubt in my mind is gone, and now my voice is sharp, icy, an cold. Freezing even. Frigid. Yeah, I'm totally not worried. What the hell is this nagging feeling at the back of my mind? I feel suffocated.

"You've blown straight through every boss I've thrown at you. Your posse made short work of even the ones I buffed to almost impossible levels. Frankly, Gary, you're bullshit."

"Shouldn't you be celebrating the fact that he's so strong?! Who cares how Overpowered he is as long as he's on our side!" Big Black Guy proclaims from the ground, where he has fallen due to paralysis.

"He's not on mine. I'm not going to have my world turned upside down by some random." Heathcliff states, his eyes fixated on mine.

"Your world, huh." My suspicions are starting to be confirmed.

"Yes, I am Kayaba Akihiko."

Cries of surprise reverberate through the inn.

"Why the big reveal?" I ask Kayaba..

"I'm revealing myself to challenge you, Gary. If this game continues with you alive, it'll be cleared as if it were some shitty 90s arcade brawler. Frankly, having our battle here now instead of on the 100th floor will save all of us some time, in the event that you win." he explains.

"Woah, what the fuck! Isn't that a super contrived reason to bust your cover?!" Klein yells out from the back of the restaurant.

"Shut up, Klein!" literally everyone else yells in response. Gotta love mob mentality.

"Contrived, maybe. It could be worse though..." Heathcliff shrugs the comment off.

"Yeah, someone could straight up have tried attacking you randomly to prove you weren't legit, risking their lives and standing as a front-liner and player." a member of the crowd suggests.

"Oh yeah you're right, like, what if Heathcliff was actually legit? Wouldn't they have like, potentially killed one of the best hopes for getting out of the game?" another member of the audience chimes in.

"Yeah, that'd be absolutely retarded." Kirito, still paralyzed, gives his agreement. "That aside, you need to win this, bro."

"It'll be easy, don't worry." I assure this to my bro and turn to Kayaba, my entire body brimming with confidence.

_"_ You ready to die, bastard?" At this proclamation, men and women alike woo at my bravery. I pull my two swords off my back, in my right the best sword in the game, in my left a blade I had Lisbeth make for me after I paid her quite well. With cash, unfortunately, because Asuna wouldn't allow any other method. I'm one of the two people in this game who can dual wield, along with Kirito, and at the sight of such a rare skill murmurs run through the crowd.

Without a doubt, this will be a duel to decide the fate of this game.

"You took the words straight out of my mouth." Heathcliff replies, drawing his sword and shield. Ah, I think this situation couldn't get any more cliche. "Anyways, before we begin," he continues, "shouldn't you do something about her?" he points to Asuna, who is still attached to the arm carrying Lisbeth's blade.

I take a look at my beautiful wife, dangling in an immovable state from the hulking mass I call my arm.

"Don't push me off, Gary, I won't want to live anymore if he kills you!" Asuna squalls. Somewhere outside the game an activist for stronger, more realistic and independent women in storytelling keels over and dies, their last thoughts consumed and overridden by deep-rooted pain.

"It's okay babe, I can fight with you by my side" I reassure her. Well, on my side, technically, but let's not sweat the details. I'm used to fighting with women clinging on to me, so it should be alright.

I send Kayaba a duel offer, one to to the death of course, and he accepts without hesitation. I set the timer prior to the duel pretty low, but I don't regret this.

"15...14...13..." The countdown begins.

The whole world is banking on this... my whole world.

"12...11..10...9"

"I don't want to die!" Sachi yells out in fear.

"Shh, Sachi, you're not the one dueling" Kirito's words comfort her, as he can't exactly move to hug her in a state of paralysis.

"8...7...6..5...4..."

That's right. Asuna, Loli Girl, Kirito, Big Black Guy, Sachi, Tits McGee; fuck it, even Klein, you're all counting on me. The whole world's counting on me. I look towards Asuna one last time, and flash a manly grin at her.

_I've got this._

I tense my ankles in preparation for a charge.

"3...2...1..BEGIN."

From the very first millisecond of the duel I launch myself at him, leaving a sonic boom in my wake. I bring my arms down in an overhead attack, striking directly at Kayaba's head. To my surprise, he moves at an equally inhuman speed and deflects my attack. What's up with these "INHUMAN reactions" he's suddenly capable of?

I slice again with both swords simultaneously, but he skillfully parries them upwards once again with his shield, and this time draws his sword down towards me in response.

_Easy_.

I bring Lisbeth's sword forward to knock it aside, raising it into a hanging left guard at lightning speed. To my horror, its durability wasn't prepared for a collision at this velocity, and it shatters under the hit. Kayaba's sword continues down towards my body, and I reflexively move my arm to block it.

_Damn it, am I really going to die here?_

As it turns out, Asuna takes one for the team.

"Asuna, no!" I cry out in the manliest way possible. She shatters before she can say much, like pretty much everyone else in this game did. Guess the health-bar hits zero rule is pretty hard-set, huh? Shame she was on my arm as a shield, though. Wait, she died in one hit? Ah whatever.

Without skipping a beat because I'm not a pussy-bitch who'd completely mentally break down in this situation, which would effectively make Asuna's sacrifice worthless, I stab Kayaba in the heart with my remaining blade.

A mellow, soothing wave of light envelops the bar.

* * *

><p>Gone is the red plated armour. Before me stands a girl, dark hair and sunken, solemn eyes which dig into my own. Behind her lies a sky of red and orange, the sky outside of Aincrad. I stare at this girl who has the sunset draped around her shoulders and it occurs to me that we are, somehow, standing on top nothing. We are hanging above everything that matters. Or outside of it, perhaps.<p>

It occurs to me that this isn't the first time I've felt this way.

"Sachi?"

She smiles in response. I notice, to my horror, that her entire body is dominated by a grim, foreboding transparency

"Sachi? What the hell. Are you..."

She nods calmly.

"It's you, too." she states. I can see sympathy in her eyes.

Ah... of course.

I never reached this sun-stained plane of existence, did I?

I stare at the backs of the couple speaking to the God of this world, Kayaba. The slim frame of a man, no, a boy; his figure shrouded in clothes as dark as his hair. The girl next to him draped in white and red, a beauty by anyone's standards. Darkness and light, each "shining" in their own extremities, and meeting in a happy, appropriate middle ground. A couple which, without a doubt, can stand before this world's god.

They do not look my way. Even if they could, they would have no reason to. I've been gone for a long time now.

It seems I had more in common with Sachi than I thought. I look over to her as she fades for what must be the second time; her hands and feet slowly disintegrate into the glittering, hideous cyan shards that are consuming her, consuming this world. We are alike in our mediocrity. We are alike in how normal we are. If I am honest, we are alike in our temperament as well.

Both of us feared death with a passion. And ultimately failed to avoid it.

I don't want to die, huh?

_What a useless thought_.

I raise my hand towards the sun as the tingling feeling reaches my upper body. My legs are already gone. The sun is bright and beautiful, showering light on my body, as unworthy as it is. The familiar sight of my frail upper arm, perhaps slightly wider than my wrist, doesn't make me uncomfortable anymore. I stretch out my fingers, grasping at the orb in the sky. It's so far out of my reach. All these hands ever were good for was writing self-inserts and MMORPGS, it seems. I don't mind this as much as I thought I would. Sure, they're not the muscular hands of hero. But at least they're mine.

For my first time in this game—no, in my life— I'm at least partially satisfied with who I am. The fact that Asuna and Kirito would never really have looked my way; hell, that even Klein wouldn't be bothered with me, is somehow unimportant.

_Hah, if only this had come sooner._

I feel strangely comforted as the cyan shards envelop what's left of me, shattering me, dragging me slowly up towards the sky. To a place I could never reach alone. The light feels so warm, so familiar... perhaps I should sleep? I deserve some rest, after this whole ordeal.

The last floor of Aincrad cracks and breaks into pieces, the Red Palace going up in a glorious stream of blue. The world below me, which I never properly experienced, is coming with me. How kind of it.

My eyes slowly shut. My breathing slows. I can feel my heart beating, ever so faintly. Like Aincrad, it fades.

And then, darkness.

* * *

><p><strong>EN(**Editor Note): Final Chapter will be released within 24-36 hours at most, considering everything but the last three paragraphs are already written. Interfector apparently need sleeps after writing for the first time in so long and I've lost my flow for editing. Please PM me with any mistakes I failed to catch. I'm 1000% sure he comma spliced here and there and I completely missed it so feel free to point it out. EDIT: MAKE THAT FORTY EIGHT HOURS LADS. THE MAD MAN WROTE ANOTHER 5,000 WORDS. FUCK ME.

**A/N:** I have no excuses for why this took so long. I got to LE in CSGO though, so maybe that's worth something.


	7. Chapter 7:What we Build from their Ashes

**Chapter 7: What we Build from their Ashes**

_Friday, 30th of January, 2026. 20:18_

There was only the softest of chimes when the couple across from her bought their glasses together; its echo was diffused seamlessly into the smooth backdrop of jazz music that glided throughout the room, as if it had been utterly phased out of existence by the atmosphere of the room itself. The faint, familiar aroma of carefully prepared lobster danced through the lounge, waltzing above and around the performers whose instruments nudged melody into the air in effortless response. The pianist, like the other men in the ensemble, wore a tuxedo that hugged his body as a lover would; the singer, a stunningly gorgeous local girl, wore a shining white cocktail dress that accentuated every curve of her youthful figure. With this marriage of sound, smell, and character occurring before the dazzling, all-encompassing view of late-night Tokyo that the bar provided, it was a beauty that had a synaesthetic quality to it.

Yet, however lovely the Park Hyatt Tokyo's New York Bar was, and despite how pleasant the ensemble's cover of Vaughan's 'Misty' had turned out to be, Rebecca Reynolds was wishing with all her heart that she could be sitting in a ramen shop in Shibuya instead. Plonked down at a private table with her fingers tapping impatiently on the glass, she was waiting in irritation for her so-called 'date' to arrive. Her half-finished cocktail had arrived fifteen minutes ago and at this point she was seriously considering ordering a Dark and Stormy for her second, not because she liked the taste—in fact, quite the opposite— but because its name, she reasoned, aptly reflected her worsening mood.

_"He's a highly-regarded and dedicated professional _huh, boss?" She rolled the ambassador's words over again and again in her mind. What a joke. She was well aware that dressed as she was, in a tight red cocktail dress and with her golden hair tied up carefully into a chingon, she looked distinctly like a young girl who had just been stood up on her prom date. At 27 years old and as a rising star within the United States' diplomatic mission, this was not an image of herself she fancied. The staff of the bar hadn't said anything, of course, if there was anything the last three years had taught her it was that politeness was indeed a hallmark of the region. One of the other patrons, on the other hand, a young Australian who had undoubtedly inherited most of his wealth, had attempted repeatedly to hit on her before the hotel staff had politely ushered him away. The word _gaijin_, Rebecca acknowledged, had its uses. The same was true for _gringo, waegukin(_외국인_),_ yankee. As hurtful as they could be, the attitudes of some of her fellow expats occasionally made their usage fitting.

That was probably the reason why she disliked the New York Bar; although she had never watched _Lost in Translation,_ it seems the movie was accurate on the account that it was filled to the brim with foreigners. She couldn't say she fundamentally disliked travellers or her own country-men, hell, she was both a _gaijin _and, in a sense, in Japan on their behalf. However, she had always _lived_ in the cultures she experienced, and she took a lot of pride in that. The decision to meet in one of the 'iconic' tourist locations in Tokyo had not, by any means, been hers. No, it had been the call of that nightmare of a man who—

Pulled up the chair across from her and sat with a joyous, childish grin on his face. As usual, he hadn't bothered bowing.

"Konnichiwa, Kikuoka-shusha." she practically sighed the greeting out.

"Hi ya they are Becky! _How are you do_ _toda-yu_?!" he chirped back, deliberately replying to her in the worst English he could possibly manage. Despite her best efforts to maintain her composure, Rebbeca Reynolds' allowed her practiced 'diplomatic smile' to twitch at its corners. Kikuoka Seijirou, the leader of the former "Sword Art Online Victim Rescue Force" and a high ranking official in Japan's Ministry of Internal Affairs VR Division, was an anomalous presence among the people she worked with. Most of her 'co-workers' fell into two categories: the Embassy workers who assisted her in every way possible in her 'solemn' work, and the Japanese who treated her respectfully but as a secondary priority. The latter, she hated to admit, was perfectly understandable considering only fifteen US citizens had been trapped in SAO, five of which died. Her job. at least on paper, was to investigate those five, and, much to her disdain, the fifth and final case had brought her inevitably to Seijirou, who had turned out to fit in neither of the aforementioned categories.

"I'll ask you to keep it professional, Kikuoka-shusha." she countered his bastardization of the English language with fluent Japanese. Perfectly pronounced, mind you, she always had had a talent for languages.

"Shore, Becky-o!" poor English from Seijirou once again. The man was neither embassy nor detached. She had no talent for dealing with people like him.

No, Seijirou fell into a third, previously uncharted category: the co-operative but irritating git. He had treated her with the same lazy professionalism as most of his peers during their first meeting, but as soon as she had dropped that he was JSDF as a bargaining tool his demeanor had changed to a far more aggressive one. Two weeks later, when she offhandedly and foolishly corrected him after he had mocked her over never using a NerveGear, things got worse. Admitting to testing a NerveGear to "see what it was like for the people connecting" had, in Kikuoka Seijirou's words, changed her image from "kowai to kawaii". This cutesy bullshit which the Japanese imposed on women was by no means up Reynolds alley, but she knew almost instinctively that Seijirou's teasing was largely facetious. That said, he had helped her extensively in her cases and, for reasons she still didn't fully understand, he was both well versed in the English language and in American culture. She hated the nickname "Becky" with a passion and hated that he had somehow become aware of this, but he was useful and had the desire to help her, so she could put up with it.

"Mr. Kikuoka, why'd you choose this place?" in English, now. Rebecca knew this song and dance all too well. The bar, filled to the brim with all things foreign, was a very pointed choice: they were meeting for the first time in ages not as two friends and peers, but as a _gaijin_ and local. She could understand why he felt this was appropriate; this was their last appointment, after all.

"Because having a beautiful view complement such a stunning woman is a feast for my eyes, Ms. Reynolds." his English was perfect. Yet there was also a touch of insincerity injected into his tone, as if he was on stage, which Rebecca deeply appreciated. She wasn't fond of men who looked past her accomplishments and straight at her breasts; thankfully, as outrageous as Seijirou could be, he was most definitely not that kind of man. The apathy and then hostility he had treated her with before finding out about her experiment with NerveGear was proof of that.

"I'm flattered, truly, but I think it's more pressing that you feast your eyes on this." She replied, taking a folder out of her handbag and placing it carefully on the glass table. _A Report on __US Citizen's Implicated in the SAO Crisis: The Case of Gary. J. Edwards._

_"_This kid again?" Seijirou raised his hand slightly, calling over a waiter. He suddenly looked tired.

"As you are well aware, this '_kid_' was twenty-three upon entering the game."

"And twenty-three when he died. Jesus, I'm going to need a drink."

"At the very least we can agree on that much."

"Waiter, I'll have the soft shell crab and the 17 years Hibiki, please." the waiter nods slightly as he jots down Seijirou's order. "And you, dear Ms. Reynolds?" Seijirou turned to Rebecca, an expecting grin on his face. Two years of working together meant he knew her quite well: undoubtedly, he was waiting for her to order exactly what he expected from her: a Caipirinha and some form of Lobster. It's what she always did at up-scale bars like this one. Unfortunately for him, their extensively list of shared assignments meant that Rebecca was well aware that the Ministry of Internal Affairs only covered his "work-related" dining expenses up to a generous ¥50,000 per month.

"I'll have the 30 year old Hibiki please. Oh, and _honey," _her tone was as sultry as it was venomous "doesn't the caviar for two look _absolutely dreamy?"_ For the first, but by no means the last time that night, Seijirou could only grimace in response.

* * *

><p>"So this is the final draft?"<p>

"Yeah, needs some touching-up regarding formatting and proofreading, but this is pretty much it."

"Ms. Reynolds. If you don't mind me asking..."

"Go right ahead, Mr. Kikuoka."

"I'll trim the political details of the case, ok? Essentially, Gary J. Edwards was a twenty-three year old American _hikkimori _who had been living in Tokyo for two years by the time the SAO Beta was released. The only child of his substantially wealthy and well connected parents, he used the last of the money they sent him to pre-order a copy of the main game after participating in the Beta. Like the majority of those who were trapped in the death game, he logged in on the release date. "

"Yep."

"According to the Cardinal system, which could only record the time and location of player's deaths, he dies on the first day, two hours before Kayaba made his announcement and some distance from the Starting City."

"Correct."

"What makes his case more complicated is that, like six other players, Cardinal either recorded further activity or a 'second death' after the first one.. The cases of Kirigaya Kazuto, Yuuki Asuna, "Orange", and Hayashi Yuuko have been properly accounted for. Mr. Edwards, along with a young girl who played under the handle Sachi(サチ), remains unexplained, although in both cases their 'second instances' occurred as the game shut down."

"That's an incredibly shortened version if it, but yes."

"Ms. Reynolds, with all due respect there is no need for you to cut in."

"Sorry, carry on. It's funny though, I'm thinking 'if only Mr. Kikuoka were this serious all the time.'"

"I'm a hard worker when I get down to it. Now then..."

"Don't worry about me, I'll wait quietly and focus my attention on this _lovely_ whisky you ordered for me. Ah, it's truly worth every yen of the 25,000 you paid for it."

"Ugh. My question, Ms. Reynolds, is why am I looking at the exact same report from the last time we met? I might be wrong, but apart from a few tweaks in phrasing and formatting edits, there is nothing new here. Moreover, unless I'm mistaken we both agreed that there's not much more we can do regarding this case. The few friends Gary had overseas obviously didn't enter the game, and as he went into SAO alone and died early using an avatar that was by no means modelled after his real body, no one was there to witness what happened to him. We can't even pin cause of death down."

"See, but that's what bothers me. I think looking at _cause of death_ as something entirely within the context of SAO is the wrong approach in Mr. Edwards' case."

"Oh, do tell."

"Look, I know that a lot of the people in your department quite rightfully treat the 'American issue' as secondary. Four thousand people died and I've been endlessly pestering your department on the the case of a single player for the last year, so I understand your frustration but this just doesn't make sense. I _went_ to this guy's apartment and I _saw_ his lifestyle: he practically lived for MMORPGs. We know he was a beta tester, so why the hell did he die so early?! His parents, estranged to him as they were, want to know too."

"For the family, eh. Fair enough, Ms. Reynolds, fair enough. But again, we have no way of—"

"Seijirou, please shut up for a minute. I'll be blunt: I'm giving you this report because I know why he died, and I need your input on whether I should include it or not."

"Isn't that obvious? This is supposed to be the most comprehensive report we can manage. So yes, of course."

"Hear me out on this one, please. It actually might not be wise. At least... not if it's for his family's sake."

There was, albeit briefly, a moment of strained silence between the two. The ensemble's music continued to float through the air, filling the void that the wordless stare-down had created. 5AM by Amber Run, which was on the newer end of 'classics'. An odd choice for the New York Bar.

"...okay Ms. Reynolds. You have my undivided attention."

They would meet once every two weeks, usually on Saturdays. It was on the latest 'off week', as Seijirou had sardonically labeled them, that Rebecca had made her discovery.

* * *

><p><span><em>Wednesday, 21st of January, 2026. 14:25.<em>

Rebecca Reynolds had finally hit a wall after years of unabated success as a diplomat. She had entered crack dens without hesitation in Latin America to confirm that the correct "Del Nogal" had been captured, she had argued unflinchingly with presidents and ambassadors across the globe, she hadn't let anything or anyone stand in the way of her country. Her ambitious nature lead to bravery, and that bravery to success. From the moment she had graduated with her degree in International Relations from Columbia University she had joined the US diplomatic mission and made a name for herself in the international sphere; reaching the position of ambassador before retirement was a given. Japan, she was well aware, was supposed to only be a stepping stone to further success: a few years in a new region to pad her already impressive resume.

Yet, for the first time in her career, she found herself unable to take a step forward. Before her stood the entrance to the "Candy Fruit Refresh Club" in Akihabara; in front of the door lay a sidewalk sign with three girls in maid outfits posing in ways that otakus would undoubtedly refer to as "moe", which Rebecca easily redefined as "ditsy". Her investigation of the other four Americans who had died in the SAO incident had inevitably drawn her to game cafes for interviews and information gathering from those who knew the victims, but the research she had done on this place made her well aware that this was on a entirely different level. Hand massages, head spas, paying maids to talk to you, _EAR CLEANING;_ this was not ground Rebecca would have set foot on if it wasn't for work. She was here to find a player who used the handle "Placency", real name Mori Naoto. Although he hadn't been one of the ten thousand trapped in Sword Art Online, he had apparently been the leader of a guild in Monster Hunter Online 2 that Gary J. Edwards, or "GaSu" as he was known online, was a member of. All attempts to contact Naoto had ended in failure, and the only lead Seijirou could find on him was that he was a regular at this 'club'. So here she was, standing at the gates of the gamer and otaku pandering hell that was a maid and game cafe.

"Oh, fuck it!" she said it aloud to re-assure herself. It seemed this was enough of a verbal coin to Kharon, as she stepped unhindered through the doors of the cafe. It was surprisingly clean inside, and to her relief she wasn't the only non-maid female on the premise. A seemingly normal looking couple was speaking to the receptionist, and Rebecca, ever the opportunist, took this chance to slip into line behind them without creating much of a fuss. This didn't last long, unfortunately, as the receptionist failed to hide her shock at the sight of the Reynolds once the couple headed off to one of the rooms. Tourists must have been relatively common, but a lone blonde donning a jacket and suit pants was probably more of a rarity here. Hell, a lone woman was probably more than enough to surprise them.

"Hello master. How can I assist you today?" the girl's English was good. The maid outfit probably was too, but Rebecca had always thought they looked ridiculous.

"I'm looking for a young man by the name of Mori Naoto, is he here today? He's a regular." she put the question forth in Japanese and pulled out the ID the VR Division had given her for her investigations. The maid's eyes brushed over the ID quickly and returned to Rebecca, considering the type who came here she had likely dealt with investigators before. Her faked smile was unfailing, likely from hours of pandering to rich losers. The diplomat could respect that, hiding your thoughts was a useful talent.

"I'm sorry, but I don't believe a Mori Naoto comes here at all." the maid didn't seem to be lying.

_"Ugh, that could only mean..."_ it was an uncomfortable thought, but Rebecca ventured forward confidently.

"Okay, what about someone who goes by 'Placency'?" at this, the maid's eyes widened ever so slightly in recognition.

"Ah yes, we do have someone by that name, he's in room three right now. Follow me please, master."

Although she had yet to meet him, Rebecca Reynolds had little doubt in her mind: she would deeply dislike Mori Naoto.

Her assessment, as it turns out, wasn't wrong. The world of diplomacy was to an extent dictated by first impressions, and the sight of a chubby, neck-bearded manchild having his hand massaged by a maid hadn't left the greatest of them on her.

"Excuse me master, someone from the VR Division of the Ministry of Internal Affairs is here to see you." the receptionist bowed to him as she introduced Rebecca. The diplomat didn't follow suit, this was one of the rare situations when being a foreign was to her benefit in Japan: if she didn't want to bow, she wouldn't.

"Tell her to go away, she'll cut into my time with Anna-chan. I've paid, you know." the boy grumbled in response. 'Anna-chan', the maid massaging his hands and being paid to talk to him, winked at Rebecca.

"I'll pay for however long our chat takes, but we're talking, now." at the sound of her voice, Mori Naoto turned around and, in turn, his jaw dropped.

"Wow! if I had known it was such a hottie I would have agreed right away!" he fit Reynolds' definition of 'disgusting' to a T.

"You're creepy, kid." She spited him and then turned to the maids "If you don't mind, could you two leave the room for a bit? This is government business." The maids bowed to both her and Naoto, and then carefully shuffled out of the room.

"All alone with a spanking hot blonde! Must be my lucky day!" He lifted himself up, presumably to scoot over towards Reynolds. She wasn't having it, swiftly pulling our her phone and taking a picture of him before he could react. At this, Naoto froze. She knew from her brother that taking an unwanted picture of a degenerate in its natural habitat scared the creature like nothing else could.

"Mr. Mori Naoto. 21 years old. Birthday: 2nd of November. Currently living off his father's money, who thinks he is studying at Tokyo University for a degree in computer programming. Dropped out first semester and has been spending the money on frivolous actives such as gaming and, apparently, maid cafes." Rebecca rattled off the facts in a monotonic, bored fashion. At this, Naoto fell back down onto his backside, petrified.

"Oh, and would you look at that! Mori Hayato, your _father's_, LINE address. Let me just send him th—"

"Okay! Okay... I get it. I'll drop it. Normalfag bitch. What do you need me for?" it seemed he had the brains to surrender when the deck was stacked against him. Rebecca, satisfied, placed her phone back into her jacket pocket.

"I'm here to talk to you about a player who went by GaSu in Monster Hunter Online 2. He was in your guild."

"GaSu... Wait, you mean Gary? Why are you digging shit up on that loser?" the fact that Naoto knew his real name was a surprise. On top of that, the term he had used to describe him came dangerously close to being comedic irony.

_"Talk about a pot calling the kettle black..." _this guy irritated her far more than she expected. She could admit to herself quite happily that she would much, much rather deal with Seijirou. As annoying as he could be, the man had a smidgen of self-awareness.

"How was he, as a MMO player?" she decided to ignore the latter half of his comment. She was well aware of Gary's demeanor and lifestyle choices.

"Hmm... he spent a lot of time on his character creation and made his avatar into this huge, burly guy. Insisted on playing the tank role no matter what, even though he never used the Lance. Oh, right: a tank is—" his tone took a turn for the derogatory, as if he were explaining a simple concept to a child.

"I know what a tank is. Carry on." ice was gathering at the edges of her words. Unfortunately, Mori did not seem to be impressed.

"Look at you, knowing what a tank is! Wow, what a 'gaymur gurl' we've got he—stop, stop, stop! I'll co-operate." it seemed reaching into the pocket where she had placed her phone was enough to get him to behave. Good to know. With an exasperated sigh, Naoto continued: "he was big, and I'm talking fucking annoyingly big, on roleplay. Never played the game just as a player, was always a character. Some strong dude, usually. We ended up kicking him out of the guild because he'd hit on the guys who were playing female characters, claiming that being popular with chicks was part of his RP. Dedicated player apart from that funky stuff." as interesting as this was to Ms. Reynolds, it didn't exactly hint at why he had died in the starting areas.

"Was there anything weird about how he played though, did he ever dive too hard in fights and die stupidly or anything like that?" she used some of the terminology she had picked up from speaking to the SAO survivors in the hopes it would jog his memory.

"Nah, he was a total loser IRL, but to his credit he tanked properly. I think I only saw him go down twice the entire time we played, and both those times it was because we had all fucked up."

"Hmm.."

"Oh, he did have this one weird shtick though. Every time he'd make a new character he'd go into the newbie area and get it killed. I remember when he did it for our guild's expansion into—"

"Wait! WHAT? He would let himself die? Why?"

"Woah! Pipe the fuck down lady, or you'll scare my dear Anna-chan and the other girls. It's just a game and unlike in the third one, there's no real punishment for it in MHO2, so no biggie if he wanted to off himself at the start of every run. "

"...look, did he ever talk about why he did that? You have to concede that it's odd, isn't it?"

"Some shit about him being 'reborn inside the game's universe', part of his RP or whatever crap he was in to."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, kinda? Look, this was like four years ago now. My guild was fifty or sixty people and he was this one random loser, I didn't really pay much attention to him beyond what I've told you."

_That...That's it!_

"...thanks. You've been a lot of help." she threw a ¥10,000 bill at his feet and shot out of the room, hastily throwing a "_arigatou" _at the confused maids before bursting out onto the streets of Akihabara. It had started to rain hard since she had entered the shop, but she couldn't care less. She needed to get home, she needed to write about this. _Everything_ made sense now. She snatched her phone out of her pockets as she ran to the station, dialing Melinda Edwards' number as she went. They could finally have closure.

She could tell her what happened! Her assignment was finally over! She loved this country but she was jubilant at the thought of leaving it: after struggling for three years, her job was done!

"...hello? Ms. Reynolds?" a tired voice on the other side of the line. Oh, god, she had forgotten about the time difference. It couldn't be past 2AM in Washington right now. Well, that didn't matter. She felt like a child again in her excitement, years of putting her head down while her friends partied University, years of strained smiles in diplomatic meetings, and this last year trying to crack his case. Tension was flowing out of her body, and she slowed down to catch her breath so she could give the kid's mother the full story.

"Oh, Jesus. Sorry for the late call. Look, it's about your son..."

"You have information on Gary?"

"Yeah, he..."

_"He what? Practically committed suicide in the most unfortunate way possible? Is that what you were going to say, you fucking idiot?" _the realization stopped her celebratory glee dead in its tracks. There was no way she could just offhandedly drop that on her.

"Ms. Reynolds, are you there? You trailed off."

"Ah, sorry. I need to verify a few things before I say anything conclusive. I can't apologize enough for calling at such a time. I'll get back to you two with the finalized report by the end of the month."

"Oh, thank God! We can't thank you enough for all your hard work, Becks."

"Yeah, yeah Melinda. Thanks and once again sorry for forgetting that time-zones existed."

"Haha, it's fine, we're always glad to hear from you. Do make sure to come visit us the next time you're in the US."

"Of course, miss, I'd be honored."

"Until then! Sayonara, as they say!"

Rebecca breathed out slowly and, with great effort, managed a "Goodbye." There was a clicking sound as the call disconnected, and, just like that, the voice of Melinda Edwards, wife to the current Speaker of the House of Representatives, was thousands of miles away again. She had known Melinda for five years now, and although Gary had already left for Japan when they met, she had always spoken fondly of her "poor, misguided child". Her existence had been a fragile one since her son's death.

Telling her the truth directly was to bring a sledgehammer crashing down onto a pane of glass. She didn't want to do it, but that was part of her job description.

Standing alone in the streets of Akihabara, head down and phone clutched tightly in her hands, Rebecca Reynolds was grateful to the rain.

* * *

><p><span><em>Friday, 30th of January, 2026. 21:12<em>

"Oh, wow." his reaction was unexpectedly plain.

"I give you the climax to what we've been investigating for a year, and your response is a 'huh'? You cannot be serious, Mr. Kikuoka."

"No, it's just... there's still a detail missing."

"What?"

"The whole 'second instance' thing that Cardinal picked up."

"You know as well as I do that the reason we've been digging on Gary for the last year is because his father is a prominent politician, not because of a glitch in the system. We've done it, Seijirou, the decision now comes down to whether we tell them what happened."

"Rebecca." he had never used her first name before. "How much credence do you think we can give to attempts that separate VR worlds like those of Sword Art Online and reality in their entirety?"

"...I think just a few years ago, I would have probably said that former could not count as part of the latter, if that makes sense. But..."

"But?"

"We talked about this in regards to how the game ended, didn't we? That kid who you sent into Gun Gale Online, he surpassed the coded laws that the system set in place. So maybe the 'barrier' between those two is more fragile than I thought."

"I assume you've done your reading on «Yui-MHCP001»?"

"Of course. "

"It—" he caught himself, "—_her_ existence confirmed that the game was able to measure and monitor the emotions of the players, which means, to an extent, they existed within Cardinal itself. Kirigaya Kazuto surviving hitting zero HP is, by Kayaba's own alleged admission, proof of that. Now, suppose this same arbitrary strength of emotions; willpower, let's call it, was applied to the other cases. "Orange" and Yuuki Asuna's cases can't have this attached to them due to the circumstances surrounding their 'deaths' being entirely different. But in the case of Hayashi Yuuko in particular her 'avatar' appeared long after she was confirmed dead, carrying her emotions with it. A being was essentially created within the virtual world as a byproduct of that woman's thoughts being stored in the system."

"So the second instance was a byproduct of Gary's willpower? He didn't seem the type to be that strongly driven towards anything."

"Eh, more like his desire. We know as a fact that he wanted desperately to _be someone he wasn't_. Perhaps Cardinal picked up on that and allowed some form of consciousness to stay in the system. It would also why his second "Death", along with that of "Sachis", happened in the exact same spot which Yuuki Asuna and Kirigaya Kazuto disconnected from the game. The Cardinal System logged them out last, after all."

"So when the Cardinal system crashed, he died for a second time."

"That's my guess."

A long pause. Rebecca's gears were turning and Seijirou fidgeted in his seat, waiting for her response.

"Well, then that's that part of the case closed."

"You believe me?"

"I don't have a better explanation, do I? C'mon, let's finish the food and drinks. For what it's worth: despite your awful attitude, it's been great working with you. I'll put in a good word for you at the embassy if you ever need help from them."

"I thought you wanted input on the report?"

"I do, but I never said your input would influence my decision in the slightest."

"Hah." that comment had stung, but he answered her properly: "Call them and tell them what happened, from there you can ask Mr. Edwards about what he wants you to do regarding the report."

"That was exactly my idea." it was simply the best option if she both wanted to keep a good relationship with the Edwards family and continue her career. "Thank you for dinner, Seijirou, the caviar was as _fabulous _as it was expensive."

"Before you go and I have a heart attack looking at the bill, I need to ask you one last thing."

"Shoot."

Uncharacteristically, he seemed to be having a hard time articulating it.

"There's nothing that irritates me more irritating men who hesitate." she put it bluntly. Was this guy about to ask her out? She certainly hoped not, things would be awkward regardless of how she felt about him considering she was set to leave in a few weeks.

"Do you think "Grisalda" —Hayashi Yuuko's— 'ghost' in the system had agency over itself?" Rebecca was relieved and then confused by his question.

"As in some form consciousness?"

"Yes. Even if its perception of the 'reality' of Sword Art Online was different than what the survivors saw." he was dead serious.

"I can't be sure, and this is admittedly outside my area of expertise, but..." she found herself thinking about Gary: how he had lived, how he had died. Had his desire to be 'someone else' materialized into anything? "...I'd hope so. I hope she —or it— did." she was speaking for the case of Gary Edwards as much as for Yuuko.

"That's a suitable answer, I'm glad. Well then!" He clapped his hands together, seemingly satisfied, "I'll see you on Valentine's Day, Ms. Reynolds, and be sure to bring me chocolates."

"Eh?"

"What's wrong? I happen to _ADORE_ dark chocolate if that's what has you concerned."

"Look," she was flabbergasted, "I'm not sure you understand, while I'd certainly be happy to keep communicating with you from overseas, my work here in Japan is done. I'm going to move on to my next assignment after this. Perhaps within the next week or two."

With a flourish, Seijirou pulled a folder out of his winter jacket and smacked it down onto the table beside the empty glasses and plates which the two had wiped clean. In bold text it read "プロジェクト・アリシゼーション" and under it, in English:

**PROJECT ALICIZATION**.

"If you open this folder your next assignment will undoubtedly be in Japan. It's your call, Ms. Reynolds."

She eyed the folder with caution. "This isn't some trivial bullshit you're dragging me into, I hope."

"On the contrary, this is the most important development of our era. Debatably, in history. And I'd like you to be our sole line of communication to the United States in this matter."

Ms. Reynolds was not the type to let curiosity get the better of her. However, she was also not the type to back away from a challenge. The idea of being the United States' foremost diplomat in any truly important matter was too enticing to ignore. She reached a delicate finger down to corner of the report and carefully opened it.

She read only three lines before her eyes darted back at Kikuoka Seijirou, who was holding his chin up with his hands, his thick-rimmed glasses and frown doing a awful job of hiding his excitement.

He wasn't lying. This was far above the reach of mere international relations.

"You trust me enough to show me this?"

"I've always had a soft spot for pretty women. The fact that you are both intelligent and, for an American, reasonable, also helps."

This was the biggest decision she'd make in her life. She knew that now.

Why would she hesitate?

"See you in two weeks, Mr. Kikuoka." that was her decision.

"Likewise, Ms. Reynolds."

For an undertaking of this scale and importance, Rebecca Reynolds was prepared to put up with Kikuoka Seijirou.

It seems she'd have to do some reading on giri-chocolate when she got home.

**The End.**

* * *

><p><strong>EN:** Fair warning, profanity ahead. This cunt disappears from the internet for more than a year from and then from one day to the next has nearly 10k words for me to edit. What the fuck man, I need to take a break so badly. We won't be on talking terms for a while after this. Not _that much_ of a break though because if you find anything I missed please message me about it.

**A/N: **Enjoy this chapter while it is up. I might take it down if I decide I prefer to end it at chapter 6. Reviews would be appreciated.

Finally finished this. I'd love to say "now time for Living Orange!" and churn out another 6,000 words tomorrow, but goddamn did I forget how tiring writing is. Hope you enjoyed the story and the final chapter which contained absolutely ZERO humor and will probably make very little sense to anyone who doesn't know about the Alicization Arc! Hype! Annoying Fan (who isn't annoying in the slightest and should make an account so I can actually communicate with him) was right on the mark on his assessment that Gary's journey ended long, long before the clearing of Sword Art Online. If you didn't get that from this chapter, then well I'm sorry! I clearly fucked it up lads! Have a great one everyone and remember, if you're reading a FF for ANY franchise and the original character is starting feel distinctly and unironically like the protagonist of this sad tale, drop that shit harder than the bass. There's better stuff to read out there! Like Living Orange(not at all really in its current state and I haven't updated it in years! YAYYY!).

Cheers everyone, despite the setbacks I had a lot of fun writing this. Thank you Harrowed for being my editing slave. Time to actually log into my FF account and see if I have any hatemail for being the world's least prolific writer.


End file.
